Just Thinking

Trying Again

2009-11-17T03:31:00Z

I got caught up in Facebook and Twitter and I still enjoy them but the social networking stuff just does not lend itself to the cathartic output a blog allows. While you will not find me ranting and raving about politics, my job, the news, or my relationships with people in my life, you will find me trying to work through how all of that affects me. This is where I can deal with how I respond to my life. I realize that my environment can make me crazy. Work, marriage, family dynamics, friends, stupid political crap, all the bad news and more than you can handle in a day, and traffic to name a few things all affect me. So does the healthy birth of a baby, victory over cancer, a friend landing a job after a year out of work, and many other happy things. They all end up in a big pile and I weed through them and have a life.

This is the place to check when you want to see that, yes, you are not the only one who is struggling and can't figure out why. I have very few excuses for why my life is the way it is. There is one reason, ME. I allowed all of the stresses in my life to take control and dictate how I treat myself. I can be very stupid about myself. I know better but I do it anyway.

Come back soon. I make no promises to blog daily or even weekly. If you are on Facebook or Twitter, look me up.

Until next time.

Stopping By

2009-06-14T22:35:00Z

It has been over a year since I last stopped by and wrote anything. It has been a frustrating year and blogging would have probably helped but in my infinite wisdom I hid away. I was embarrassed that my weight loss had come to a staggering halt and after I reached 73 lbs lost I gained back 16 of them and I was embarrassed. I've managed to lose a few of them but I have a very long way to go just to get back to the 73 lb loss. I wonder why and although I keep finding reasons they are so lame I can't even speak them out loud.

So here I am wondering who will read this. I still miss my cheering section from Catalis. Losing that daily encouragement has been phenomenally difficult. I miss my friends also. Seems that as most of us left Catalis, our lives spread far and wide and getting together for even a drink is complicated. Beth and I finally managed to connect last Friday and it was wonderful.

I have been doing the Facebook thing. Facebook is still a mystery to me. It was quite a while before I started using it because I did not want to put much in it if it was going to die off. I heard that as fast as the Boomers came to Facebook, they left just as fast and that it is a 20 something gig. I don't remember who the expert was but he wasn't much of an expert. You really do not have to put much effort into Facebook. It is just a gathering place. Somewhere to see what is happening in the lives of people you know and care about. If you are interested, look me up. http://www.facebook.com/valerie0826

A Different Kind of Weight

2008-05-21T15:29:00Z

Life is work. This is not a new feeling for me but lately it feels like I'm in overtime. Today we are employed, healthy, happy, and just a bit overwhelmed with disorgainzation. Hence one of the greatest frustrations of my life as well as one of the things that weighs me down.

Several years ago I discovered decorating shows on TV. I had breast cancer in late 2005 and treatment continued through to April 2006. During the time I was getting chemo the only thing I could do for about one week of three was sit in my chair and watch TV. It ws during that time that I watched almost every orgainzation show there was. I was inspired and when I got to the point I could do stuff again I started whittling away at what I thought was my already whittled away pile of stuff.

I have not completed the whittling so there is still some stuff I need to get out of the apartment including two big boxes of clothes that do not fit. The goal for the rest of May is to get everything out of the apartment that I know I do not want and recover that space. I'm pretty good at getting the pile created then having to look at it for weeks if not months before I actually get it out of the house.

I'm going to try a list. I'm not going to schedule it because that always defeats me when something gets in the way of the to do list.

I have to following rooms and/or spaces that need a going through. I would not mind if you the reader ask me how I am doing a kind of accountability thing. If I know someone may ask me if I managed to get to the master closet yet, I will be more inclinded to go in there and scruntinze my shoes.

The list:
master bathroom
master closet
master bedroom
dining room
living room
kitchen
pantry
entry way closet
spare bathroom
den
den closet
porch
garage

You can see that the list isn't huge and we live in a 1000 sq ft apartment with a detatched one car garage so it should not take long. The reason the garage is last is that is where all the unwanted stuff will end up until my husband can load up the truck and haul it away. Or if we can coordinate, freecycle some of it. I'm not going to start on freecycling here but suffice it to say, freecycing to get rid of stuff is often more work than it is worth.

Wish me luck and watch for more posts on my progress.

The Silence is Deafening

2008-05-19T16:37:00Z

Those who know me know that it is not good when I am silent. I know that as well and I have actually visited the blog with the intention of posting but could not write a word. At this juncture I am concerned that my lack of progress may discourage others who are also on a weight loss journey. Then I realized that not posting can be just as bad as posting a lack of progress. So here I am.

I am one week shy of one year at Weight Watchers. I have lost 70 lbs and I should be happy but I am not. I am frustrated. Today is Weight Watcher day and my weigh in was just as bland as the last eight have been. I feel completely stuck at 70 lbs and for a while was concerned that this was it for me. Weight Watchers Flex plan allows for a certain number of points each day and another 35 per week for extravagances. I have used all of my points each day and the weekly 35 and am not making progress. So I have come to a huge conclusion, I must lower the number of points I eat for the next few weeks and not use the extra 35. That is how it was in the beginning and I was successful, then the holidays and everything fell apart.

The catch here is that I must keep track of what I am eating so I do not go over the points per day and I must find a way to get at least three activity points per day which translates into about 45 minutes of activity per day.

I am out of time for posting so I will end here and get back here again this week to let you all know about my job and all the other interesting things going on in my life.

I Lost!

2008-03-25T01:27:00Z

Congratulations to me! I managed to lose another 1.1 lbs. I'm am up to 66.6 lbs now. Let's see if I can manage this two weeks in a row.

I had an interview last week for a training specialist position at CoreMetrics. Sadly, they hired from within. Somehow I am very alright with it though. I really can't say I'm very upset about not getting this job. Weird as it sounds, I am looking forward to the Time Warner job. Maybe I just need a break and even though I haven't done much while I've been unemployed, I've been a bit stressed about finances to enjoy it.

So here is to a good week.

Chocolate Ice Cream

2008-03-23T03:19:00Z

This has been one of those weeks. I got a craving for ice cream and I tried to ignore it. Unfortunately while ignoring the craving that was screaming at me I managed to eat about 10 of those Nabisco 100 calorie cookie packs over the last five days. After eating three of them this evening I finally gave in and walked across the street to Cold Stone Creamery and got a Ghiradeli Chocolate Caramel Dream. I could have saved myself a lot of stress if I had done that on Wednesday. I would have more of those 100 calorie packs left for treats. I've learned, never ignore a craving. It really does cost too much in the way of calories.

I feel less physically tense since I had the ice cream earlier. This is just way too weird. I wonder if this is how drug addicts feel. Does it ever go away or am I just plagued to have cravings that drive me nuts?

Now that I can actually focus I will get some more crochet done. I started out pretty good right after I got laid off then I got depressed. I was up and down more down than up and now I'm behind on what I wanted to get accomplished. I felt guilty just sitting here crocheting. I didn't really do much else. In fact, I even let the guilt of not having to go to work keep me from exercising. I hate being depressed and I hope I am done with it for a while.

So on my crochet list is a ripple baby afghan in white, soft green, and pink. Once that one is done I'll start another one in primary colors. I'm not sure what pattern I will use. I also have a purse and a pillow to make for an exchange. I'm probably going to do an original for the pillow using some novelty yarns. I will probably knit the purse. I don't knit much and it is a good change for my hands. I've been working on a crochet jewelry design I call Petals on a Pad.

So now that I've had my ice cream I think I will get back to the work of life.

It Was Not My Wagon

2008-03-17T23:30:00Z

I had to pass up that wagon. It was not mine. I still do not know where my wagon is. I parked it somewhere and just do not remember. My weigh in was not good and I am mad at myself. So in honor of a weight gain yet again, I ate too much. That is going to really help I know.

It all started with eating lunch out on Friday. I had a simple Chinese lunch including an egg roll and after that it was all over. No tracking equals no weight loss. I am going to go to Weight Watchers online and write down everything I ate today, however awful it looks.

Next part of the plan is to write out some menus. I find that I am somewhat bored with breakfast. I end up eating the same thing all week and it is usually not hearty enough breakfast and I am hungry all day. I usually eat leftovers for lunch so that is not a problem.

We have discussed the program at the last few meetings and one comment that came up is that you can be within your points but not be on program. The Flex program is not a difficult one. The Flex plan program includes the following Weight Watchers Good Health Guidelines:

at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables

whole grain foods whenever possible

2 servings of dairy products

at least 6 glasses of water

small amount of healthy oil (canola, olive, safflower, sunflower, or flaxseed)

get enough protein which for me is about 45g per day

limit sugar and alcohol

take a multivitamin-mineral supplement

These are not difficult to follow if you plan. So I will plan.

I also made a commitment to exercise three times this week. What was I thinking? But one of the members at the meeting I go to asked me to hold her accountable and I did the same. I will exercise just so I will not be embarrassed on Monday.

I did not exercise today but please feel free to ask me if I exercised on other days this week.

Also, if you do make a comment on my blog, please share your website or blog with me. I would love to have a look.

Physical Changes

2008-03-16T03:41:00Z

The Biggest Loser Couples show brought back all of the contestants that had been voted off. The purpose was to weigh them all again and then the two with the highest percentage of weight loss would return to the competition. My husband and I like the weigh ins. It is very cool to see the before and after to see how much each individual has changed physically. My husband exclaims for each one as they are weighed in. We are both amazed at the physical transformation. Although my weight loss has taken longer than theirs, I have lost more weight than a few of them. I finally asked him if my body has changed that significantly. He exclaimed. The problem is that I do not have one of those before pictures to compare to and the picture in my head does not seem to be changing.

My body is smaller. I do not have a stitch of clothing that fits me. Everything I have just hangs on me so I know that I really have lost weight and the scale isn't just playing a horrid joke on me. So I finally stood naked in front of the mirror and stared trying to change that picture in my head. My face is thinner but why haven't I been able to see that? What happened to that chin? Moving south a bit I reach my problem spot, my belly. Yes, my belly is smaller. My pants will testify to that. I wore a pair of jeans today that I bought in October and at one point I sucked in my stomach and down they slid from my waist to my belly button. Well that would have been embarrassing.

Body image is a plague for women in this country. It is actually very sad. To hear women who are at a healthy weight beating themselves up because some part of their body is not perfect. Worse yet are those who are slighlty overweight who just hide from the world. Their life revolves around their dissatisfaction with their physical appearance. These women are not able to find joy because it is hiding behind that veil of perfection.

Even though I have been very large all of my adult life, I really have not disparaged my body. It was what it was and it was going to stay that way until I did something about it so I just accepted it and moved on. I must admit that while I was alright with my body, my fashion sense leaves much room for improvement. I tried to decorate it so that it would look decent and give people walking past me a pleasurable experience.

It is odd but I think I was able to accept my body easier before I started losing weight than I am now. I am almost at the halfway point and maybe I am just getting anxious. I know that when this is all said and done and I have waited however long the insurance company says, I will have to have some plastic surgery to remove excess skin. I think that now that I actually believe it is going to happen I am getting impatient.

Patience is a virtue and I am a virtuous woman so I guess I will just practice a little patience and enjoy the rest of the journey.

65 lbs

2008-03-14T03:05:00Z

I was so relived at weigh in this week you just do not know. I almost cried when I saw the number. My next big goal is actually 75 lbs but 65 lbs became so elusive that it was all I wanted for over a month. I hit 64.2 lbs on Feb 11 and then nothing but up and down for three more weeks. So now that I have managed to get over this hump I need to keep it up. I am going to have to get on the exercise train. I will let you know how that goes. I need to make a plan and stick to it. I will keep you posted.

Where Did That Wagon Go?

2008-03-08T22:36:00Z

If you check out my blog often you have probably figured out that I don't write when things aren't going well with my weight loss. Seems I fell off the wagon and now I can't even find it. I don't want this weight loss to stop, I'm not done. I still have a lot left to lose.

I'm not sure what happened. I was doing incredible. I lost weight every week for the first 28 weeks and then I've struggled to lose and keep of 10 lbs for the last 10 weeks. Of course, I'm not tracking and I'm eating things that are just useless as far as nutrition goes. If I keep this up, I'm going to start feeling sluggish and other things I don't want to feel.

So what is a girl to do? I have not quit going to meetings but the meeting seems to only last about three days before I'm back eating the "bad stuff". Even though Weight Watchers Flex Plan allows you to eat pretty much anything you want, you still get only so many points per day and per week. Once you use up the points you are supposed to stop eating. So if I eat 2 or 3 servings of potato chips I use up about 15 points. If I do that every day and I try to stay in my points, I don't eat much of anything else. That means not enough protien or whole grains.

So here I am trying to find my wagon so I can get back on. Does anyone see a wagon out there?

Plugging Along

2008-02-27T12:57:00Z

People keep telling me everything will work out. I have to believe that because if I don't the alternative is well it is ugly.

My weigh in was pretty good. I managed to get rid of what I gained last week so I'm back at 64.2 lbs. I am getting pretty close to the target date and it is starting to make me crazy. I usually don't set dates because I'm afraid that if I miss it I will just give up. I think when Feb 14th came and went I might have done that.

This job thing is really making me crazy. I have been contacted for a clerical job with a state agency. EGAD am I desperate? I think so. I am tired of credit debt and decided that pretty much anything would pay better than unemployment.

Chainmaile Anyone?

2008-02-21T12:20:00Z

My husband spends a lot of his time doing therapy for his hands. The best therapy is chainmaile. We don't really need everything he has been making so he decided he wanted to sell it. He listed his first item last night. I'd appreciate it if you would go have a look. Tyrail's Things.

Time to Get to Work

2008-02-20T12:39:00Z

I just received a very encouraging comment from someone about my weight loss and it reminded me that that I had not blogged about my highly unsuccessful weigh in this week with a whopping 2.2 lb gain. That means that I had to have eaten and EXTRA 7700 calories. Believe me, even though I did not track my points very well last week, I know I didn't eat that many calories. I do know that I had Chinese food and soy sauce. Put 2 and 2 together and it equals fluid retention. Oh well, I need to rethink the eating out thing again.

I am not sure that a Monday weigh in is the best for my psyche because I can check my scale on Monday morning and see it up and then of course I weigh in at WW and I am up but by Tuesday or Wednesday morning I'm back down. The problem is that I like the Monday group so I'm going to stick with it and watch what I eat better. I weighed this morning and I'm down 4 lbs from Monday morning. Since this seems to be a trend with me, this up one week then big loss the next I'm not discouraged.

I have a goal of March 17th to reach the 75 lb mark AND have a job. Wasn't that a good segway? I'm still unemployed and recent issues with my former employer have caused a financial strain on us that will force me to go get any job that will pay more than unemployment. That rules out all the fun jobs like Starbucks or the front door lady at Walmart and will push me into an office job as long as it pays at least $12 per hour. What a pay cut. Oh well...a girl has to work.

I spent my blogging time yesterday looking at the job pages of many of the major high-tech companies here in Austin. I applied for several jobs that I am at least mostly qualified for. I'm having the education issue again. I have 99 credit hours and three AAS degrees and one certificate from our community college but that just does not compare to that BS. Sigh...I need a job that will allow me to go back to school AGAIN.

All Time Low

2008-02-12T12:46:00Z

I have hit an all time low and I'm very excited about it. December and January had me doubting that I was going to make it to the end of this weight loss journey because my weight loss slowed to a crawl. I really didn't want to go to Weight Watchers last night because I didn't want to face the scale. I was so afraid that there wouldn't be a loss. No loss would have been very difficult to deal with. All I wanted was to lose what I gained last week. I just went to see how much weight I've lost since the first weigh in in December on the 3rd and I've lost 11 bs. That is an average of 1 lb a week so what am I worried about? Well I had about 2 lbs I have lost three times during those 11 weeks. Well that's not too bad. I did manage to lose them and 9 lbs more. So I had a 4.4 lb loss last week and counting for the 1.4 I gained last week the total loss for my journey so far is 64.2 lbs.

I have reached an all time low, a weight I have not been at since right after my son was born. My son is 24 years old. So where do I go from here? DOWN of course. I have tossed out the doubts I had because that is just the thing that will kill my success. I can do this. The really bad thing about my eating habits is that I prefer to eat the healthy foods. Unfortunately I allow myself to fall into a funk or even worse give in to being "tired" and I don't cook.

So how have I done this you ask? Reading back in my blog might give you some ideas but I'm going to shamelessly plug Weight Watchers. I use the online food journal to keep track of points. The key to success is to know how much you are eating and how much you should eat and compare daily how much you ate with how much you should have eaten. I have no idea how many calories I eat a day but I eat less than 28 points. One of the great things about the Weight Watcher program is that you start at X points and as you lose they reduce the points, thus reducing your intake to how much you should be eating. I started at 35 points.

We should talk about exercise. I will be honest with all of you and let you know that I've lost this weight without exercising. I probably would not have had as difficult a time in December and January if I had been exercising regularly. There are more reasons that weight loss to exercise because even people near or at their "safe" weights have to exercise. So this is the week to discover exercise. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but it will be more than just walking around the apartment complex.

Massage All My Cares Away

2008-02-07T02:18:00Z

I really needed to do something nice for myself but I was reluctant to spend any money...what is a girl to do? Then I heard about a free massage. Being the skeptic I am I held off until I saw a couple of reviews and then I made the appointment. The reviews were excellent and I have to say they were right on the money. I had the most wonderful massage today. Todd Johnson is new in Austin and all he wants to do is massage. In order to build up his business he is giving away massages. Oh so you think you might want one of these wonderful free massages? If you live in the Austin area send Todd an email (mtoddjohnsonrmt@yahoo.com) and make sure you tell him Valerie sent you.

I also had a lovely visit with my friend, Ted. He and I used to work together and we just clicked. I really miss seeing him every day. Layoffs suck for more reasons that just loss of income.

My weigh in on Monday wasn't good. I managed to gain the same amount I lost the week before. Odd. I was upset for about 10 minutes and then decided I needed to do more exercise.

Doldrums

2008-01-29T14:37:00Z

I seem to have fallen in a funk. I can't really figure it out. I'm feeling very confident about the job at Dell and I'm still losing weight. I lost another 1.4 lbs last week and I'm very happy about that so what gives?

I probably need to go do something, anything. I know I do not feel like writing.

The Interview

2008-01-28T17:47:00Z

I had a great time at my interview. Sure it was tough and they asked the same question over and over and I answered it as many times as they asked with the same answer. That was pretty uncomfortable but I didn't think it would be good to just make something up. I think that was in my favor. I think it was a very good interview and I fully expect to get that call.

Valentine Crochet

2008-01-24T00:58:00Z

With Valentines Day approaching quickly I thought I would add a link to my pattern for the two heart bookmarks I designed. I hope you enjoy them.

Interview

2008-01-23T23:03:00Z

I have an interview on Friday. This will be another first for me. I've never really interviewed for a job unless you count a 10 minute Q&A with a burnt out fast food manager as an interview. It was definitely not like interviews are now. I'm trying very hard to keep the "monsters" at bay so I can get through this interview and get the job. I really want this job. It would be on the list of "dream jobs" for me.

So yesterday I went to WorkSource and learned how to write a resume. Based on that class, I'm extremely lucky they even bothered to consider me. I'm not sure how much I will change the resume but there is some tweaking I can do. Today I went back to WorkSource and took their interviewing class. I have a lot of work to do but I can do it.

Another Monday

2008-01-22T03:20:00Z

Another weigh in but not a loss this week and not a gain either. I blame it on the cookies. Too many cookies can keep the fat on. I'll do better this week. I just need to track what I eat. Tracking isn't any fun but not losing isn't any fun either. I want to get this over with more sooner than later.

Unemployment is going pretty well for me. I just made my first claim and wasn't that fun. Right after that I checked email and found an email from Dell stating "I am very interesting in speaking with you regarding this opportunity." Well Dell is close to my apartment AND it is for a tech writer job.

So while I was busy being unemployed today I made pizza from scratch. What a luxury to be able to do anything in the kitchen that takes more than 15 minutes. It won't win any awards as it was Weight Watcher friendly but it was still pretty good. After I finished making the dough, I decided to make a pocket prayer cloth for a friend who is getting chemo in Houston. I wanted something unique so I spent a little time plotting out the graph and this is what I came up with. Soon as I figure out how to upload the pdf I'll make it available.